Tossing Batting Practice….like a demoted middle reliever wearing number 79 now plying my trade in a remote outpost like…well Rural Northeast Georgia…

It’s the baseball preview edition here, live from Deliverance. The college hoops regionals were thoroughly uninteresting, and we’ve kind of hit a brief lull in sports, thus the reason why it’s late Friday night and I am eagerly awaiting baseball season to start, so I can sit on my couch and watch games until 2am on a nightly basis.

I am going to attempt to successfully, and snidely preview each and every team briefly, while predicting their order of finish. The over/under on words is 3000.

We’ll start with the junior varsity, I mean the National League.

NL EAST Champion - NY Mets (the rest are in order of finish)

NY Mets – Honestly it wasn’t until the addition of Gary Sheffield did I feel confident of this pick, but let’s be honest, a volatile me-first over the hill aging superstar, adding to a team that has self destructed two years in a row under the weight of their own selfishness and fan expectations…I think this is a match made in heaven.
Biggest Question – Is David Wright fluent in Spanish?

PHILADELPHIA – I am not ready to live in a world where the phrase “defending champion Philadelphia” is a common recurrence, but alas such is the case. I can’t name three Phillies starters, nor a single middle reliever and I’m pretty sure Brad Lidge won’t be perfect again. (that’s the kind of in depth analysis you get here)
Burning Question – What is the statute of limitations before Philly Fans venom comes out in full force?

ATLANTA – The good news, bars aren’t open on Sunday’s here in Bible country, bad news, they’re open til 4am otherwise. Good luck with Derek Lowe guys, really. They’re an odd mix of young potential stars, and decrepit former stars a pretty good everyday lineup but no pitching at all.
Burning Question – At what age are you too old to be referred to as Chipper?

FLORIDA – Hanley Ramirez is awesome, Ricky Nolasco is pretty damn good, but there are 23 other guys on the roster, of whom cannot be described as either awesome, or pretty damn good.
Burning Question – Who ever thought this franchise was a good idea? South Florida, humidity, and constant threat of rain, doesn’t really equate to the fan experience.

WASHINGTON – If they hadn’t just built a new stadium I’d start to think they were pulling a Major League here, and trying to lose on purpose, though the addition of Adam Dunn reeks of the Jack Parkman addition in Major League II.
Burning Question - Is it possible the Lerner family is more inept at running a franchise than MLB was?


NL Central Champion – Chicago Cubs

CHICAGO – The rest of this division sucks, but so does this whole league. The Cubs have good starting pitching, a solid bullpen and a pretty good lineup. The craziness factor is upped a little with Milton Bradley being added.
Burning Question – When did Cubs fans become so miserable? They are really starting to become the standard bearer of the fellowship of the miserable, especially as Boston and Philly have become champions in this decade.

(At this point I put three names in a hat and pulled them out to determine order)


MILAWUKEE – After mortgaging their future, and going all in to extend their season a week and earn the right to play 166 games the Brewers will come back to earth a bit this year. The fact Jeff Suppan is their staff “ace” has a lot to do with that.
Burning Question – Is there a more dangerous combination to long term health than the food in Milwaukee, and Prince Fielder’s metabolism and appetite?


CINCINATTI – They seem to be the popular sleeper pick, but only if they drug Dusty Baker into a permanent sleep and run the team themselves. The Red have immense young talent in the lineup, and corpse of Ken Griffey is no longer stinking up the Center Field area. Jay Bruce and Joey Votto are the great white hopes for a city that could really use some good. However, I cannot root for a team that gave America Joe Morgan, professional baseball announcer extraordinaire.
Burning Question – Alex Gonzalez is really going to bat second for these guys? After double checking to make sure it was the same one (I mean its kind of like the Spanish John Smith) it is one and the same. Third place seems right.

ST. LOUIS – Had they spent the money and added Manny Ramirez a division title would be in the Cards (those are the kind of poor puns that show I have professional sports writing experience) instead they’ve got Pujols, and a whole lot of ifs. Rick Ankiel is exciting, and they have a guy named Skip leading off.
Burning Question –Most would think its “who will be the closer” but personally I wonder if Chris Carpenter or Bob Tewksbury has had the better career with the Cardinals for a starting pitcher born in New Hampshire.

HOUSTON – They were god awful in spring training, and Roy Oswalt did a terrific job of landing himself on a potential homegrown terrorist watch list with the way he disrespected his country in his performance in the WBC. In Japan he would have been asked to kill himself honorably.
Burning question – Do Lance Berkman and Carlos Lee have to stand on opposite ends of the field so it doesn’t tilt? Those two would be a great tackle/tight end combo to run behind for the Texans.

PITTSBURGH – There is nothing redeeming about even researching this team, though my brief review I learned that pitcher Paul Maholm is not the same former Twins prospect (that was Pat Mahomes). Good news Craig Hansen won’t be able to piss off an entire fan base unless he takes Ben Roethlisberger for a motorcycle ride.
Burning Question – How many home games will have a smaller attendance than the first day of Steelers training camp in Latrobe?

NL WEST Champion – LA Dodgers

LOS ANGELES – I’m contractually obligated to pick the Dodgers, so says my boss. The Dodgers have the best lineup in the division, and the best bullpen, but they’ll need better starting pitching Pedro Martinez is a natural fit, but for some strange reason Frank McCourt is cheaping out, perhaps he forgot Petey is an Ex-Red Sox, which he seems to collect like living baseball cards. It even extends to the minors, where former Sox John Valentin and Danny Darwin are managers in the system.
Burning Question – Will I watch more Dodger or Red Sox games this year courtesy of the baseball package? The Sox are the safer bet, but the Dodgers are on at a more convenient late night time.

ARIZONA – They have the best starting pitching, and potentially the best lineup if Justin Upton and Stephen Drew have breakout years, but they don’t hit for average well, and may struggle to score runs without leaving the ballpark. Their bullpen is also a big question mark at the moment. Regardless this could be the best race of the summer.
Burning Question – How is Tony Clark still employed in the big leagues? He was D-U-N done in 2002, yet he’s managed to survive seven more years, who does he have incriminating photos of?

SAN FRANCISCO – They have the best 1-2 punch in the league in Cain and Lincecum, but how the Giants will score runs is a bigger question then how did Seal nab Heidi Klum. The first team to score twice, might be the winner each time the Giants play.
Pablo Sandoval seems like a jovial fat baby Ortiz type figure to root for. Upon further review projected third hitter Fred Lewis is not a former Boston Bruins coach, and the rest of the lineup is pretty unknown too.
Burning Question – Is there a starker contrast between any two lefties in baseball history than Randy Johnson and Barry Zito?

COLORADO – Clearly Jesus-loving Clint Hurdle and the rest of the Pious Rockies sold their souls to someone to make the 2007 World Series, and the sudden repentance the Lord has forced the Rox to pay is life in baseball purgatory, not as bad as the Padres, but not good enough to play .500 ball all summer and stay in the race.
Burning Question – Boy those Troy Tulowitzki/Derek Jeter comparisons stopped pretty fast huh?

SAN DIEGO – By default they’ll win 60 games and lose 60 games, but the other 60 that determine a season, well the Padres could lose 55 of them. They have a worse offense than the Giants, and play in the Grand Canyon, but their pitching is atrocious too, and I’m pretty sure Alphabetically you’ll find Jake Peavey right after Oswalt on that potential home grown terrorist watch list thanks to the WBC.
Burning Question – This team isn’t interesting enough to have a burning question, and too many holes to limit things to just one. Perhaps the larger question, why doesn't everyone live in San Diego fits here?

AMERICAN LEAGUE (aka the Varsity)

The AL East is down the bottom so you either have to read the whole thing, or be inconvenienced enough to have to scroll down to the end.

AL CENTRAL CHAMPION – Cleveland Indians

CLEVELAND – I feel like the Devil Rays should be moved to this division, just to add a team that doesn’t suck completely. But the Indians will win it by default. Cliff Lee will not repeat last year, but the rest of their rotation is decent enough given the lineup they’ll trot out every night.
Burning Question – Will Carl Pavano exceed the number of Yankee starts he made by A) Mother’s Day B) Memorial Day C) Labor Day?

DETROIT – This team will make a run only because it will screw ownership. They’re banking on a poor start and then a fire sale of Marlins proportions, but they have the pitching and a decent enough lineup to stay in the race but their bullpen sucks, and will ultimately be their undoing, sometime in August after the deadline, where they’ll still be on the hook for all those big guns they didn’t trade.
Burning Question – Given Joel Zumaya’s injury history with Guitar Hero, is there a team policy banning use of the Wii?

MINNESOTA – Joe Mauer is hurt again, and thus they’ll be a middle of the pack team. They have a great bullpen, but not enough starting pitching and a thin lineup.
Burning Question – Honestly I got nothing here, I even waited until the end in hopes of coming up with something, but hey 29 out of 30 isnt bad right?

CHICAGO – Sorry Guiney, but this team will underachieve. They are aging slow and one dimensional in the middle of the lineup, and young and inexperienced at the top and bottom. Their bullpen could be good with the addition of Linebrink, but their rotation has some question marks mainly the age of Jose Contreras, and the weight of Bartolo Colon.
Burning Question – If Ozzie Guillen tips over the postgame spread in a tirade, would Bartolo Colon resort to cannibalism?

KANSAS CITY – It seems fitting that Kyle Farnsworth was jettisoned to baseball Siberia, but I feel for Coco Crisp. The rest of the Royals roster is interesting (ok, only mildly), could be good, could be awful. Alex Gordon is supposed to be on the verge of a breakout season, and allegedly Zach Greinke is a star in the making. I read more about the Royals in the last five minutes, than in the last 5 years, so take it for what its worth.
Burning Question – Why do people even attend their games? It’s hot as hell there, it’s a crappy stadium, and a worse product.

AL WEST Champion- California and Surrounding counties and territories Angels

LOS ANGELES/ANAHEIM/ORANGE COUNTY/ SOUTH CENTRAL/LONG BEACH
I don’t want to be accused of leaving something out. Anyway, the Angels are the favorite here because everyone else has more questions. Abreu is the steal of the offseason at his pricetag, but Guerrero is looking and walking like Earl Campbell more and more every day. The rotation is in shambles right now due to injury, and the bullpen has a few questions as well. The addition of Fuentes helps, anchor with Arredondo who was impressive last October.
Burning Question – “Will I…be able…to play….softball…tomorrow???” “No by tomorrow you’ll barely be able to breathe.”
Aside from the miraculous recovery from acute radiation poisoning suffered during a guest spot on the Simpsons, why does Mike Scoisia get so much love? He’s short tempered, whiny, and growing more ornery by the day while not having won anything important in years. Food for thought that’s all.

OAKLAND – I love them to maybe win the division, but then I honestly questioned whether or not the other four projected starters after Duchscherer were made up names. Plus if they stumble early they’ll also be selling like the Marlins after a world title. The A’s have good young pitching, and apparently focus on defense more now, but the offense is still a question. The additions of Giambi and Holiday are a step in the right direction, but Holliday may be a system (Coors Field) guy, and Giambi wont have the short porch in right to lean on.
Burning Question – Will the number of smiles Nomar cracks be less than or equal to the number of at-bats he gets a week. (please show your work in determining this calculation)

TEXAS – They’re playing out the string already. Offensively they are solid, but not what they have been in the past. They still have a bad rotation and even crappier bullpen so I wouldn’t expect much beyond the usual 11-8 slugfest, though they’d probably win the NL Central or West going away.
Burning Question – As Jason Varitek’s batting average drops lower than his weight, and Clay Bucholz’s ERA at Pawtucket, drops lower than Heidi Watney’s weight, how many days a week will the names of Saltalamachia, and Teagarden appear in the Globe and Herald?

SEATTLE – King Felix Hernandez, and Erik Bedard will make this team interesting to watch for the first 105 pitches of games when the Mariners are in the field twice a week, otherwise, the Moose (which never seemed to make sense as a mascot to me) becomes the most exciting aspect about the Mariners. The calcification and decaying of the corpse of Ken Griffey (who ceases to be “junior” when he turns 35) in center field might be a fun way to waste a summer if you’re a Mariner season ticket holder in the bleachers.
Burning Question – Did Ichiro’s ulcer come from the stress of representing Japan in the WBC or the impending doom of having to go back to the Mariners and get his ass kicked all season?



AL EAST Champion – Satan

NY YANKEES – There is no way this team doesn’t win the division. Joe Girardi sees the national unemployment rate of 8.5% and knows he doesn’t want to be calling the department of workforce development any time soon. Thus, he’ll have the pedal to the metal all season long, likely making life miserable for this team come late August, and into September. But I think they still win the Division by taking the shortsighted view of feeling as though they have to do everything to win every game, as opposed to playing for October, they’ll be playing to get to October.
There are legitimate lineup questions, and defensive issues, as well as bullpen queries. But I think the rotation is built for the regular season, and they’ll plenty of runs.
Burning Question – How will this team take ARod back? Since he left they were basically camp tranquility and quietly won the most games in Florida. How he assimilates back to the ballclub will go a long way toward how far they go into October.

BOSTON – The Sox have a ton of pitching on paper, but question marks within that. How will Penny, and Smoltz hold up, what kind of Wakefield are we getting, can Bucholz be the dominant force he’s shown flashes of? The Bullpen might be as good as its been in my lifetime, but its always a crapshoot. I just don’t think there’s enough offense right now. If Ellsbury shows improvement and Varitek can hit his weight, and Drew plays 135 games, and Ortiz hits for some power, and Lowell returns to some form all bets are off. But that’s a lot of ifs. Pedroia and Youkilis are the only sure things so to speak in the lineup, but I want to see a little more out of them before I’m a total believer. (the sudden downfall of Nomar, and the vast overrating of hometowners Troy O’Leary, and John Valentin leave me skeptical, along with the inherent Red Sox fan trait to always expect the other shoe to drop)
They are in great position to acquire someone in a fire sale, but where will they play? Center Field and Shortstop are the only place and neither Hanley Ramirez or Grady Sizemore are walking through that door. Fortunately I am a ploythiestic worshipper and while that makes me a heathen down south, "In Theo and Tito I trust" to make the right decisions and put this team in position to win.
Burning question – I think we covered all 13 of them above, and this team was so bland during spring training I don’t even have anything witty to snark at. Ok, how bout this one; am I the only 2009 baseball preview in America that featured two separate references to John Valentin? I vote yes.

TAMPA BAY – The Rays lineup is probably the best in the Division, at least with ARod out, but there are legitimate questions about their pitching. The pitching staff can go one of two ways. They can continue to make the leap and become the 1990s Braves, in which case we’re all playing for second and a wild card berth. Or they can fall back to earth a bit, as the toll last season took rears its ugly head the following season as it is often wont to do (see, Foulke, Keith; Beckett, Josh; Indians, 2007). I think the latter is the more likely scenario. They will score a ton of runs, but they Rays don’t have the depth to fill pitching holes if injuries, fatigue and poor execution set in. In an age of pitch counts and innings maximums for young pitchers, the Rays pitchers exceeded all of them last season, and I think it’s a reasonable prospect to expect them to plateau a little. In any other division they could get over this and probably still run away and hide, but not in the AL East.
Burning Question – Now that he’s making good money and a well respected Manager, what exactly is stopping Joe Maddon from getting laser eye surgery, those glasses send off more of a Kennedy Administration Cabinet member circa the Cuban Missile Crisis, than it does AL Manager of the year.

TORONTO – Any former manager who calls Roger Clemens an As**ole is ok in my book, score one for Cito Gaston. However, that might be the only thing Cito and his boys score this season. Once again the Jays could be a contender anywhere else, but will lose 90 games in the revamped AL East. They have one solid starter, two solid hitters, and one solid closer. A good core, but not enough in this Division.
Burning Question – Not so much for the Jays but about them, whoever struggles with this team will be on the outside looking in come playoff time.

BALTIMORE – There is absolutely no redeeming quality about this team until they call up prized prospect Matt Wieters, who is some sort of catcher superhero by all accounts, but unless he can pitch, catch, and bat in all nine positions the O’s will still suck, they’ll just be intriguing to fantasy players who draft Wieters in a keeper league.
Burning Question – How many times will centerfielder Adam Jones be mistaken for miscreant pond scum unemployed punt returner Adam Jones?

And that’s my regular season predicted order of finish, I would love some comments about my baseball intellect (won’t hold my breath on that one) or idiocy, and your Division winners are also welcome.

Also if anyone is reading this is interest in putting together a fantasy baseball league shoot me an email (or a phone call if you have the bat phone number) and I’ll set something up.